Dear Beer

Dear Beer,

I was reading today’s Wall Street Journal (Thursday, July 30, 2009) when I came across the front page below-the-fold article slugged: White House ‘Beer Summit” Becomes Something of a Brouhaha.”  I think it was the word “brouhaha” that had me thinking that the article I was about to read might be a clever, funny play-on-words type of piece with the purpose of making light of the idea of solving race relations over a beer.

But much to my surprise it was an article about a much more important problem: What type of beer would be served at the momentous summit between the Harvard professor who claimed he was erroneously arrested by a police officer that had a predisposition for profiling, and said cop who maintained said prof was conducting himself in a disorderly manner.

Please know that I love your cold, delicious beverages. In fact, in college, I enjoyed them in a cup, mug or garden hose attached to a funnel. I took a particular liking to your Japanese colleagues who provided the perfect companion to a shot glass full of hot Sake.  You and I  have shared a lot of good times as well as many, many  walks of shame following those Sake soaked good times.

It seems that you are upset because this opportunity  to shine a light on a problem that rarely sees the light of day was not going to be the marketing opportunity for your products as you had hoped it would be.

No offense, but I think you acted, well, stupidly. Talk to you later. XO, LB

P.S. Regretfully after college I took a liking to red wine, which I now drink exclusively. I’ve taken a liking to  Pinot Noir as Cabernet gives me nightmares…much like the ones Obama’s communications team must’ve had when the President responded to the aforementioned incident during a health care press conference.

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Super Freaky

white-house-plans-to-assail-as-politics-another-gop-senators-remarks-about-health-care-reform-fight.html

Mr. President,

I recently came across a posting from ABC’s Jake Tapper. He’s really good-looking and I enjoy getting my news from him. Plus he’s my Facebook friend and kind of my friend in real life too. He said that you said that it’s the Republicans fault that his health care plan could not make it through the U.S. Senate before the August recess. I didn’t go Harvard. I went to Arizona State University and well, it didn’t end well, don’t ask.

That being said, I’m just wondering how it can possibly be the fault of the U.S. Senate Republicans that your health care reform bill failed to make it out of the U.S. Senate when your political party, the Democrats, have a super-majority? I repeat, super-majority. Blaming the minority party for something you really should be able to get done by yourself and within your own party doesn’t make sense and Americans don’t need an Ivy League education to figure that one out.

Anyways, I really enjoyed the pictures of you in your bathing suit on the beach in Hawaii. I do hope we can get a health care reform plan passed, the way it is now is not fair.  XO, LB

P.S. did you know the unemployment rate in Georgia is in the double digits?

Florida Unemployment Line Grows By Six Inches

porn couple

Town Manager Fired For Marrying Porn Star

My mother says you can absolutely help whom you fall in love with. “That’s why you should only date nice Jewish men.”  So, when I brought a  nice not-Jewish boy over to the house, my mother ignored his presence the same way you would ignore a strange odor in an elevator.

But what if you weren’t raised by mother? What if you fell so deeply in love  with a person whom, for example, stars in porn movies? I thought men thought marrying a porn star was worthy of a high-five not a pink slip. But in Florida, that’s exactly what happened to the Fort Myers Beach Town Manager. He was fired. I think it’s a slippery slope when you start firing people because of what their spouse does for a living. Was the Craig’s List Killer’s Wife fired from her job?

Should I be fired from my job because my husband has posted the following statements on his Facebook page:

-         Only one man can share a screen with Michael Jackson’s father and make HIM look like the smart one. Say hello to Larry King.

-         RESOLVED: 99% of all handicap parking permits are being used by fakers and scammers.

-         Why does Stevie Wonder need a 2800 sq. ft. hotel suite?

I do not endorse the porn industry or my husband’s opinions (except for the Larry King one). But I don’t think anyone should lose a job because of what their spouse does for a living.

P.S. Would my mother have cared if I married a porn star? Only if he wasn’t Jewish.

I Can’t Quit You Sarah Palin

sarah palin

S -

Ever since you were plucked from the icebergs of Alaska and air-dropped into Saint Paul, Minneapolis in high heels and a banana clip, I told the nay-sayers to pipe-down, give their torches a rest and give the lady a chance to speak.

After all, Republicans don’t hate you, but the Democrats sure do. That’s why I thought you might be on to something.

I agree with you, the Democrats and the mainstream media do not want you succeed. Did you ever see Frost/Nixon? Remember one of the last scenes where after days of interviews David Frost finally gets Dick to admit that he knew about Watergate. Only when Nixon is reduced to tears do the journalists and filmmakers consider the project a success. They rejoiced in his misery. Putting all feelings about Richard Nixon aside, you and I both know that this scene is played out in newsrooms all across America. News stories that feature conservatives as the protagonists don’t sell papers or boost ratings.  But that’s just the way it is baby and all the whining in the world ain’t gonna change it. Just do what you can to punch your message through and above all else, trust that Americans are smart enough to make an informed decision. That being said, and I mean this in the nicest way, stop bitching and complaining, and focus on the real enemy: Levi Johnston. Just kidding, I mean big, bloated, do-nothing government.

I like, well liked you, not just because you can still rock a banana-clip in 2009 or that you participate in a favorite American parenting past-time: out-naming the previous child. Plus, I have no problem with you giving that old credit card a good old-fashioned work-out, Saks Fifth Avenue style. (fyi, Saks is having a great sale right now, 25% off the lowest marked price and double points!!!!) I liked you because it seemed like you don’t take any bs from anybody.

Resigning the governorship of Alaska, because you didn’t want to be a lame-duck governor, really put  me in an akward position.  For example, today when I was having lunch with some girlfriends and they were pontificating as to why you choose not to finish a very important job.  Before I could even answer, my other girlfriend answered.  “because that bitch is crazy,” she said.  Now, I don’t think your crazy (or the b-word for that matter), but I do think  what’s lamer than a duck, is not fulfilling your pledge to the people of Alaska.

Anyways, I’m here if you need to talk. Please feel free to bring Bristol and the baby over, I still have tons of baby toys left over from when my son was an infant.

XO, LB

P.S. If it makes you feel any better my friend who said your crazy had a couple of drinks in her and possibly, knowing her, Xanax.

Bill Maher Holds Meghan McCain’s Hand

Meghan-Mccain

Dear Meghan,

I just watched your appearance on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher. I’m so sorry it took me so long to watch it; sometimes I get so busy with work, working-out and chasing my 2 year-old son around that I forget to watch all my favorite shows. Thank God for Tivo, right?

Anyways, you looked beautiful. I liked your smoky eyes and your up-do. I couldn’t really tell what you were wearing except that it was black. I hope you were not wearing black (the color that is supposed to take off twenty pounds) because of what Laura- I-haven’t-changed-my-look-since-1980-Ingraham said about you. Oh wait, that’s Ann Coulter who hasn’t cut her hair since 1980 and continues to rock a little black Robert Palmer style dress even when she does appearances on morning television talk shows. I digress.

Meghan, how can I say this gently, your appearance was, well, not so good. If you are going to be the voice of generation you need to have a voice. For example when someone brings up a Ronald Reagan reference, it is not advisable to answer “I wasn’t born yet, so I don’t know.” Every time you say that it makes you look like you were born yesterday. Since you like to talk about how you are not a virgin, I’m assuming that you were not, in fact, born yesterday.

Since we’re talking about sex, let me use this incredible piece of advice that works in the bedroom and out:  fake it til you make it. You know what I’m talking about.

Meghan, I am rooting for you. People, and by people I mean everyone, will be saying that the only reason you have been given such a big platform is because of your last name. Who cares what they say. Just do me a favor. Next time you are booked as a guest on a major talk show please pack your big-girl panties. Then get in there and fight the good fight.  Use what you have, including your Columbia University education, to tell people what time it is: Republican time.

XO, LB

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